Epilogue
Your True Worth
One of my favorite writers, Annie Lamott says:
“As a species, but especially as women, we’re pumped up full of longing for more, for better, to help the race go on, to help the system keep running, and this runs roughshod over the material of the soul.”
In a world that demands so much of us, it shouldn’t take courage to honor our souls, and to choose a happy life. Yet it sometimes seems very brave indeed.
Here are five ways to stay true to you, to be fulfilled and happy too.
1. Find Work that Makes You Come Alive
When I’m asked to speak about emotional fitness and being happy at work, I use an example of bad job fit—the nature lover who works in a cramped-up cubicle every day, with no windows around.
I once read about a senior executive, who when interviewed, said she’d rather be special than happy. Glam job, nice wage, power clothes. That was me for many years. I took a job at NBC because I liked saying I worked at NBC. I’d rather be special than happy. But the culture ran roughshod over my soul, as it was managed by lawyers who were all about winning at the expense of our clients.
The positive examples abound of course too. I loved my work at HGTV and building a brand about home, even if I struggled back then to hear another calling. Today, when I write, speak, and spend time with kids in recovery—this work makes me come alive.
Our passions can change over time. As we grow and learn more about ourselves, new work can emerge that’s a great fit. These choices reflect our own inner growth, which is hopefully, never static.
Many of our storytellers, including Pina, Amy, Stephanie and Ruth changed careers over time, which sparked new self-expression and happiness.
As Steve Jobs said: “If you haven’t found what you love to do, keep looking. Don’t settle.”
2. Learn to Say No
How can you discern what’s best for you, if you don’t stand for what matters most to you? You’ll just keep saying yes to everyone, when you mean to say, I would rather not. Or, more precisely, Hell no. Paraphrasing Thomas Merton, when we are always divided and pulled in so many directions by conflicting plans and projects, we do violence to ourselves.
I had an acquaintance I’d met through HGTV and I believed we were friends. She didn’t work at HGTV but was tangentially involved. She would call at work and I’d drop things to answer and chat. I was on the Board of Churchill Downs, and took her to the Derby. I was a good friend.
But she wasn’t. A pattern began to emerge with her after a little while. She’d always ask about Ken, my boss. How is he? Is he still married?
Call me naïve, but it took me a while to connect the dots. This “friendship” of ours was simply a means to an end for her. Finally understanding that, I said:
“You know, you always ask about Ken. I keep giving you the same answer, he seems fine to me. I’m thinking I’m a road to him for you, and I’m not comfortable with that.”
I stopped taking her calls. She undermined my trust and my own self-worth because I realized this was a fraudulent relationship. Enough. I said No.
We heard from our storytellers Kellie and Cheryl Beth who said “No,” to stand up for themselves, and live true to their ideals. Michelle’s examples in Part Six reflect this too.
3. Use This Formula
In Arthur Brook’s book, From Strength to Strength, he defines happiness with a formula:
What you have divided by What you want.
I didn’t major in math, let’s just say, but I know this: If the denominator, our ‘wants,’ is greater than the numerator, our ‘haves,’ we will always be frustrated. Fractionalized. Chasing the next thing. That’s our ego running things.
When we come to know our true worth—which takes reflection and quiet time, we come to see that we don’t want or need more. Really, it’s not so bad having a dumpster in your front yard for a few months. (See my story, At Forty-Two, if you missed this little gem).
In Priya’s story, her career aspirations have not been fueled by ego and money, but by a personal mission. In Justine’s story, she shared her moment of growth when she realized she had all she needed. And Lisa showed us that there’s strength in living lightly, with less ego and more laughter.
4. Know Your Haal
In a poignant blog, The Disease of Being Busy, by Mid Safi (citation: “On Being”, 11/6/2014), the author writes that in many Muslim cultures, when you ask someone how they’re doing, one asks in Persian or Arabic, How is your haal? How is your heart? The question is about the state of one’s inner self. Not, are you busy? Is your inbox full? Are your goals all lined up and being achieved?
Instead, he writes:
“I want to know how your heart is doing, this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyous, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves human touch.”
Your loved ones want this from you—your open, honest heart. That’s the gold.
Jill and Danni shared that sometimes, a broken heart leads to wisdom and newfound worth.
5. Cherish Yourself
Greg Boyle is a special friend and mentor to me. He is a Jesuit priest who founded Homeboy Industries, the largest gang rehabilitation and re-entry program in the world. In May of 2024, he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Honor for his work with his “homies.”
I first heard G, as friends call him, in an interview on NPR talking about the young people he worked with. He said we needed to believe in ourselves, in our goodness and worthiness. Although he was relating his experiences with gang-involved youth, I felt deeply and profoundly touched by his words. There was just something about him that drew me in, so I reached out to him, and we’ve become friends over the years. He pushed me to write my third book, The Little Book of College Sobriety, to capture stories of teens and young adults in recovery. Many of his homies are in recovery too.
Recently he said to me, “You are unshakably good. We all are.”
Well, I tell him, we had a No Assholes hiring rule at HGTV for a reason.
“Our essence is goodness, even when we go off the rails,” he said. “There are plenty of narcissists in the world, which is a mental illness. Then there are those who can’t see their goodness, can’t live from their goodness because they can’t see it. Yet it’s always there. “
One day G and I were talking, and I asked him about his homie, Gonzo. I’ve met many of his homies, but not Gonzo, and his story is remarkable. I read about it in one of G’s books.
He goes to his phone and shows a photo of him and Gonzo when they were younger. “This is when I had hair,” he says and we laugh. I ask him to tell me his story again.
“Ok. Gonzo was at a baptismal party and was standing in front of the house, and a car came by, and they opened fire. He was hit and they levelled him. He struggled for a long time in the hospital, and they finally had to amputate his leg.
I went to visit him, and we tried to keep it light. He said ‘G, I’m never gonna dance anymore.’ And I said ‘Dog, you couldn’t dance before.’ But then I just got overwhelmed looking at him, and I began crying. And he quietly said, ‘G, I’m not my leg.’
“Which is radically true,” he says. “We’re not our leg or brain or job title. We are not, in any way incomplete. There’s nothing missing.”
When we cherish ourselves, a truth dawns on us. There’s nothing missing.
In Closing
And so, my friends, stay true to yourself, be happy, and offer your talents, with love, to our wounded world. There’s nothing greater than that brand of courage.
